She knew. Nothing was said but you could feel it. The way they were towards each other. The emotions weren’t the ones she would normally feel. She thought she was strong enough to finally let him go and go on with her life. Truth is she hurt so badly she kept in the tears felt the sharp pain in her chest and wanted more. She wasn’t sad though all these emotions were all coming from her feeling so pissed off and all that anger. From him not doing anything and just left her hanging.
He knew. He saw what was happening, never got the nerve to say what he kept inside. He let her slip away even though she needed the kind of love he gave. He wanted her as well yet he still let things happen the way they did. He didn’t know it took everything in her to not go back to him. She didn’t look at him the way she used to. Effort was gone and so was she.
And in the end they both lost.
Over the years I’ve managed to learn a talent I was ALWAYS terrible at. LEARNING HOW TO TAKE A COMPLIMENT. If you know me there’s one thing I was horrible at that was it. You would thinks with the amount of compliments I gave out I would be a pro at taking them well HAHA that unfortunately was not the case for this girl.
I guess with the mouth I have it was no question that giving out compliments was second nature to me. But for some reason when anyone gave one out to me well I would get red, shy, mumble “Oh thank you” or smile politely because I was just so flabbergasted. Unfortunately as I got older I learned that I need to learn how to take one well.
Imagining the fact that I could act the same way as I got older well it made me cringe. So I decided that every time I got one I would experiment with different ways of taking it until there was one thing that just started feeling so natural.
Until one day all that changed. For those of you who don’t know my past my faith in God didn’t get restored until about 3 yrs ago after i reconnecting with an old friend. She changed me for the good but also made me see that the world in a different perspective.
That friend decided to take me to a bible study that was also her first time to. Well little did I know that night was gonna take me to bed with my heart full of sunshine and the cheesiest little kid smile I ever did have.
I learned that night that all of us as individuals have had such different pasts but the one thing we have in common is that because of our past it lead us to come together that night. We did this little thing were we tell someone who stood out to us and tell them something beautiful.
Well joke was on me. I had a few of those amazing people tell me something that just put me on cloud nine. “One word that comes out of you is BEAUTIFUL” and “You have a beautiful soul”. Never in my life did that word make me cry out of so much kindness and love I felt that day. Still makes me happy and smile. Not because that word is so nice to hear but because it was a word that I had never heard in that sentence that was said to me.
To those people who said to me You will forever have my gratitude and are a blessing to making me feel so wonderful you are lovely and thanks to them though I’ve learned to give out compliments the actually mean more than looks ever will. Thank you thank you thank you for those precious words. Oh and it’s great to be back.
Today is monday. Honestly I’m so dead even with the amount of coffee I’ve already intaked.
How are you? Is been a while. I’m sitting here wondering why I haven’t managed to post something up like I usually do. Trying to not get sidetracked all over again. I’ve been so wrapped up trying to get my crap together that I didn’t even realize that I wasn’t actually putting anything together.
You see the way my mind works is if I don’t write anything for a while my mind gets all crammed up. I tend to have a lot to say regardless of how long it’s been. I like to jot down my thoughts because at times I get some really great ideas that tend to come from them. And they have me come up with things I can incorporate into my life.
So here I am jotting down everything I want to tell you guys. I don’t know how life works at all. I’ve learned that you just gotta take things the way they come. Acceptance is the first part of it. ACCEPTANCE. This word out of all has come to my mind so many times this year. It makes me devastated to see and witness the things I’ve heard and have been put into action.
Why are people so unaccepting of others I don’t think I’ll ever get why. I was taught that if that person regardless of who they are. If they are not hurting/bullying you, you have no right whatsoever to say or do anything to them that is wrong. I don’t care who you are. You have to learn how to accept people the way they are. If you learn to do that the easier not only your life gets but to others around you as well.
Acceptance plays a major role in our society. I don’t get why anyone is barely processing and learning how to just NOW. It’s always something that’s played a major role. But thanks to the half of the generation not caring it’s something that’s barely getting talked about.
Its our duty to inform not only generations before and after us but the generation that is now CURRENTLY playing a huge part of how we can rise at the moment. Take time to acknowledge one another. Say hello smile and be kind. Help when it’s needed and know when you are. Know that to see change you need to be the one to start it. Don’t just exist in life. Live in it fully. Be the reason why someone has a smile on their face. Because to accept everyone and the way life is, is one thing. But to change how others can accept is something greater.
It’s hard to shake you out of my life, not because I always think about you, it’s because I rarely do.
It’s all a memory, I remember it too well still so raw and sweet after all these days. Remember the moments we had just looking at each other and could have an entire conversation ?
All of it is long gone maybe I asked for too much. I hope you still have that voicemail. Why did you leave? Most importantly without saying goodbye. I keep thinking about it all trying to figure out what went wrong.
Everything fell apart, I’m here left broken a year later now knowing timing can’t heal this wound. I lost myself with you, your gone and I’m still missing. I keep writing about you. I don’t even know why anymore. Maybe it’s just a bad habit. I don’t know. Deep down I’m still hoping I run into you at the place we first met. I don’t go often anymore but when I do memories replay in my head. That’s the worst part because when I do all that comes out are tears and questions. I know you. It takes everything in me not to call. There were many times that I tried to run to you but I know that I can’t. There’s not a day where I don’t think about you. My best moments are when I was with you. You had the smile that made my day. I let go with you completely told you things I’ll never tell anyone. I hope your well. I hope you found what you were looking for. Did you become a mechanic? I hope you did.
I wish you had taken me with you. If I had known what I know now. If’s will be repeated. Kinda tragic in a way. I hope your doing great things you were destined for it.
There are things in our life that we’ll never have control of. If I made a list will that will never end.
So here I am late at night (when I have to wake up in 4 hrs haha oops) writing about something that terrifies me. One of the things I learned in my 21 years of living.
It terrifies me not,knowing where I’m going to be in 5 yrs. Even more though it terrifies what tomorrow’s gonna look like. I hate that i can’t control the things in my life. People not so much because that’s who we are but the actions the world gives me I hate it. But I’ve also learned to love with it.
I’ve learned to give people second chances, well depending on the topic. I’ve learned that not everyone’s going to like you and that’s okay. I’ve learned to choose happiness. Over all I’ve learned that if a friend treats you like crap to tell them. If they continue to do so they’re obviously not your friend and you should drop them.
I’ve learned that at in the end it’s all gonna be okay.
When the word beauty comes to mind what do you think ? Is it physically, mentally, or verbally. For me it’s a little deeper than that.
Beauty for me is the soul. Ever since I could remember the soul Is what captures everything about you. Its what makes you, you. The soul can be Such a beautiful thing that nothing in the world could capture anything like it.
Espically the right soul. Ever met someone who you know that person is like made for you in a way that you just can’t explain. Like you just get that person and everything about them. It could be friendly, romantic, or a hobby you both love so much. That’s what a soulmate is.
But let’s get back to the word beauty, because I totally got sidetracked right now. Beauty is a word I find so intriguing because all of us each have a different definition on it. When this word comes to mind most people think it means having a pretty face or body. Others it means have a personality that speaks to to you. And then there are the mother nature loving people like myself who think the sun and everything it touches is a work of beauty.
So next time When you think of beauty think of something that not only shines but speaks to you and makes YOU feel beautiful because you are.
Lately what I’ve been seeing is around talking about a new start. New year new me I hear it EVERYWHERE. Don’t get me wrong I’m not here to judge upon that But for me that doesn’t exist, it never has.
I grew up in a household where if you wanted a new start it doesn’t have to be a new year. A new beginning can happen when you want it to. If you want a fresh start that can happen whenever the Heck you want it to.
A new beginning for me means More experiences. New adventures with new people. More love and stories to tell. It’s about growing as a person each and every day. Discovering more about yourself and others around you. It’s throwing yourself at more opportunities that come your way and taking risks.
I have the mentality that I have to take at least one risk a day. It makes me feel alive and gives me a new way to look at things.
Although I’m glad people who have New Year’s resolutions and ACTUALLY keep to them go you! But let’s be real that’s barely anyone.
What I’m trying to get out there us that there is no time limit on anything. I know well except homework and paperwork for our careers but even that….just kidding.
I want you to know that when you feel ready to change that one thing regardless of what it is. That is up to, to decide whether or not to do so. Hope this got ya thinking.