Talk to me, to the boy who I only met once

If you could do it over again what would do differently? What would you say, do, or not do or say? What would be something you would change? Was it the way you acted or the way you came about things? I don’t know how these things usually work. I don’t know if I apologize or even say anything at all. Do I just gradually move on let you go & never see you again? If I do then I am so not ready for that. I’m not ready to say goodbye when all I said was hello. How do I even go about it? Do I even dare? I can’t stand for you to be another scar & someone I did nothing about.  I feel as if theres a dark cloud above my head. Do you?
I’m not one to be a burden or put weight on your shoulders but I need you to give me at least a word without me having to tell you something or ask you. I don’t leave things alone till I know they’re finished, done or it’s just a complete train wreck that can’t be fixed. I know you have something to say but you’re choosing not to say it. The thing is I want you to no matter how awful, gruesome, mean, or cruel it comes out. I can take it. I rather you say something to me that I don’t like than you just stay silent. The silence you’re giving me it’s killing me its like you know that’s one thing that entirely bothers me. It’s not fair this entire thing & you know it. You know you have so much more to say to me. You know there was or still is something between us. Whether it’s us just be being friends or more than that. I can’t bare to even have the thought of you leaving never having any sort of contact with you. Not having any form of contact with you ever again, not seeing you form a distance or catching you glaring at me once in a while in the library. I’m not used to the whole the balls in your court thing. Usually if somethings bothering me, especially this badly I would do something about it. I would say something or do something.
Where are you? Are you looking for me too? I don’t know why I have so much hope in this. Why I can’t just let it be? I think that’s the worst part. I’m not acting like myself because I’m holding back with you. I know your not good for me & that trying to have someone that’s so desperately out of reach isn’t something I should be doing. That’s how life works though. Your always wanting something or someone you can’t have. You try to make it work a million time, in a  million different ways but when it just isn’t meant to be it won’t ever work. That’s also something to look at know when to stop because the only one your hurting is yourself. I find myself contradicting myself so much especially when it all comes down to having someone else involved other than myself. My actions & thoughts are the best part of me so why do I hold back with you? Your just a stranger I had conversation with. If you read this & you know who you are. Let me know I don’t care when or what day & time. Let me know that you dropped by my most personal place & read what I have to left to say to you.
Thank you for reading to all of you who’ve dropped by & read what I have to say.
           Yours Always -kaffienatedkia
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