Every Second, Every thought

I can remember last spring like it was yesterday. Talking to you each afternoon when I saw you at the place you worked at. You would try to figure out what I was gonna get & you would get it wrong most of the time. Having small talk, that later on became full on conversations. Those conversations we had I’ll never forget those. I’ll never forget talking to you about absolutely everything. My sassy comments & your playful remarks those were the best. You & I having a full on invested conversation by just making eye contact. When I told you stories about my summer or about anything really & how you would react. I don’t know what was better, talking to you or you listening to me. But I did like listening to you & hearing your voice. It made me smile every time I heard it. Your presence gave me butterflies but made me feel at ease. It may have given me anxiety & there was always roadblocks between us but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t any less special or extraordinary.

We both knew it wasn’t meant to last but that’ll just mean I will never forget what we had. No matter how sad, beautiful, or tragic it was. The thing with you & I there were setbacks & we both knew we could never be together. It was just something we had to keep in secret even though nothing ever happened. Although we both knew something could. We wanted it too & we would let it. We both knew it was something we couldn’t do or go through with it. I know you think about “what could have been” as much as I do. I mean you were such a flirt to me, honestly thats when I started seeing you as someone more than just someone who I saw often. The thought would have never occur to me if you weren’t so “friendly” to me. We basically had a love that was homeless. We couldn’t say anything about it the entire time. It felt like I was in romance film or love song video where two people’s love is forbidden but they can’t help themselves. Everything about it was so dramatic. It was all just hopelessly out of my reach. What I can’t wrap around my brain is why did you continue it if you knew where it would all end up? For the both of us. Why did you let us take this way too far?

I can’t tell you how bad it hurt when all of this fell apart. I felt so weak & vulnerable, like I was fragile & all this felt very tentative. Like once we had a few bumps & bumps turned into cracks it didn’t take long for those cracks to break & fall apart. It would collapse & than it would be put together. And fall apart again & again.We only learned right after we both realized that what we were doing we just couldn’t do it anymore. It was too much, it was impossible to not take what we had & do something with it. After you left that’s when I confessed to everyone. I couldn’t keep what ever it was that happened between us to myself anymore. I didn’t want to hide us away. Kept wondering if it would ever change. Didn’t want to live love that way. It was hard coming across feelings that shouldn’t have been felt. Especially with the fact being that you were gone. When I stopped seeing you completely I kinda had that gut feeling that you were permanently gone. It was the absolute worst kinda pain. It wasn’t physical or mental, it was emotional pain. the one where you feel like your suffocating & are out of air. You feel light headed & at moments you feel a little paralyzed. You have no idea what to do, it’s the worst feeling you can get.
The thing is all this happened & it didn’t have to.

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