That one feeling

Everyone has come to a conclusion once in their life that somethings are just impossible fixing. That there are problems that just won’t be able to become something wonderful. It doesn’t mean it’s impossible to fix it just means it was never meant to be.

This is about a relationship I was in that the number one feeling I felt in the whole relationship was anxiety because it felt very fragile & felt very tentative & it always felt like okay whats the next road block?
What’s the next thing that’s gonna detour this? How long do we have before this turns into just an awful mess & we breakup is it a month? is it three days? & so you know I think a lot of relationships can be very solid & that’s kinda what you hope for solid & healthy. But that’s not always what you get & it doesn’t mean that it’s not special & extraordinary just to have a relationship that’s a fragile & somehow meaningful in that fragility.

There are moments you have in life that are sorta of like a breakthrough at one major point in your life. They make who you are further down that line or completely destroy you & never put you back together. But sometimes, sometimes they can.

One major point in my life is when I figured who I was & what I wanted.
Love is what helped that, I’ve had so many experiences in life that completely changed who I was & what I believed in. I still stick to them. The guy I was with he & I were two complete different people who had different morals & beliefs but one thing out of most just magically put us together. It was passion & the intensity we both felt when we were together. I felt like I was on fire, got butterflies in my stomach every time I looked at him. Heart raced, palms sweated, & pulse fastened that feeling never went away, still kinda all comes back to me when I see him.
The thing with was that we barely knew each other yet knew so much. Like I had known him my whole life. We got into fights then got out of them. We disagreed…a lot .We loved & we resented one another. It was such an intoxicating relationship. We never knew when a curveball was gonna hit but we both knew it wasn’t going to last.

Just because It was all those things put together doesn’t mean I didn’t love him or it wasn’t anything less. It was just temporary. I don’t think I’m ever gonna feel this way again but I don’t know if I should. I think some part of this disaster it was something we didn’t want to let go of at one point. Like most relationships it becomes something natural & normal. You become so immune to what you already have, what happens in it & the person itself. You don’t realize how far you’re taking it or how bad it really is. That’s the worst part it’s just thinking that how did it go this far? How did all of this last so long? How did you not see this coming?

Once I got out of this relationship I realized that it gave me another thing to fear. That was being in a relationship like that in the future. I didn’t know who I was going to be with after that relationship. That for once actually scared me & made me fear that I could end up with someone like that again. After a quick wake up though I also learned that if I keep thinking that way & won’t stop to think that I can also be better off after that than might as well not experience better & commit to anyone. I can’t go through life fearing every single person I encounter I wouldn’t even call that living. It still scares me.But I don’t let it get to me. I can’t let someone that gruesome who scarred me in my past give me a reason to fear my future. They don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve that. No one does.

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