paralyzed with flashbacks

It all goes over and over in my head repeating like a never ending story. It’s funny how that all goes. I never got to talk to you, never smiled at you, or waved hello. It’s all bittersweet now. Here I am waiting for one more chance with all my hope. Hoping to see you & finally get the chance to go up to you & finally get to say what I’ve been keeping locked up in my head. Finally getting the chance to see what could be, but I know I’m hoping for too much. Now all I’m doing is waiting & every time someone goes through that door my head keeps turning to see who it is I just can’t help it. Although I feel ridiculous & retarded I keep hoping. I know I’m just hurting myself emotionally & mentally.

The memory of you keeps repeating in my head. I wonder if you want me the way I want you. I freeze whenever I see a glimpse of you. As you pass by me I barely function as a person. I always promise myself I’ll have the courage to go up to you & talk to you or at least say hello, but I never do. I don’t know if you and i are meant to happen, but my hope for that is very high. I fantasize about the day I start talking to you. Being the fact that you take my breath away.

When all you do is wait, you get tired of waiting. You start to realize that the only way it’s gonna get done is by doing it yourself. So when you start think all those things sometimes you actually wonder do I want this? Do i want to give myself all these feelings? This heartache & pain ? That’s when you know the truth. When you ask yourself is this person worth it? What if it doesn’t work out? what if it does? You’re taking a huge risk. In all honesty when it’s just right & it doesn’t feel like you are taking a risk it’s because you know the truth. And it’ll feel all right to you & everything will fall into place. When you don’t worry about something it’s because in the back your mind you known it’s gonna work out.

And Then I finally had that breakthrough.
That Monday I’ll never forget what I did. I never felt that awfully nervous & scared. I kept questioning myself & what I was about to do. It was just all horrid.
When I walked up to you and finally said something that’s when I realized game over i’m doomed. mainly Because I don’t think you were interested in me in any way shape or form. Friend or more.
It took so much out of me to go up & talk to you. Counting the fact that I had never said hi to you or knew who you were or even your name. The worst part was when I asked you for coffee & you took it as I was asking you out not asking to hang out. Because that’s exactly what I was doing. Asking to hang out grab some coffee & unwind but that’s fine too. It doesn’t really matter anymore now does it?


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