The End

I feel like I went about this essay the wrong way. When I first wrote this essay I just thought about what I felt & what we all feel. I’m quickly realizing that I forgot about one very important part that we all don’t see when this happens to us. It’s the udder cliché heart breaking dark sky hurt & disappointment you feel right after this happens. You don’t realize it until it’s all over & you look back at it and come to a conclusion that you went through emotions you didn’t think you could go through. You already are questioning in your mind what is she gonna write about? I honestly didn’t give it much thought about what I was going to write, because I already had an idea. This isn’t easy of me to admit but I’m already thinking it so I need to see how bad it is on paper. When you first meet your best friend you don’t know how long they’re going to be in your life, you don’t even know they’re going to be your best friend. Thing is when they do become so close to you, you don’t realize the pro’s & con’s. That’s normal & you don’t for a reason. They are already you’re closest friend, whom know so much about you & vice versa it’s hard to think that they can hurt you intentionally or by accident. Fact is though it happens, when it does it hurts too much that you can’t even feel the pain because you feel numb. All these questions start to wander inside your head. Depends how bad the situation it is, speaking from experience there’s different kind of pain to every different situation.

It’s happened quite a few times were these friends have tried to hurt me physically, mentally, or emotionally. Tried to ware me down & make me fall. I’ve fallen but I also picked myself right back up. That’s not the way it’s supposed to go, if they are loyal friends that shouldn’t even be happening. It ruins your trust & your betrayal with them & it makes you question not just them anymore. It get’s harder for you to trust anything anyone says in general after that. It’s like they break your trust with everyone you know. The thing is that when that happens it makes you second guess everything & it sucks. The feeling that you get when it’s all happening, the realizations that you get while going through all of it. It shouldn’t happen to anyone the thing it does happen to everyone & that shouldn’t even be a realization. When it all hits you feel completely dumbfounded, numb, hurt, and all you want to do is cry & with that it all ends.

This is about how I had a great friend who wasn’t so great anymore. She & I were the best of friends. I couldn’t imagine my future without her. She was the one I could go to for everything & I wouldn’t be judged. It’s crazy to think this entire thing is over, the funny parts that We never seemed like a good pair. When we would tell everyone that we were each others best friends the expressions on their faces were so astonishing. It’s like they had found out Hitler was st ill alive. I guess now that I think of it, it was weird & crazy. We are two completely different people. The way we are, think act, talk & have different beliefs that no wonder it was that hard in being friends with a person like her.

Friendships end differently because we’re all different people that are built differently. Sometimes we let our emotions get the best of us. Sometimes we block out our emotions & we just leave it alone, I think that’s the worst. Think about it were not really letting out any emotion or trying to connect with our feelings. Are we even living when it all comes down to that? So here’s it all began & how it came to an end. I should’ve seen this coming when this person & I met but I was too blind sided and focused on trying to make it work. In the beginning I never thought we would end up bring friends for this long, I didn’t think we’d even end up being friends after high school. Things like this happen for a reason though. I could name a few things that ended our friendship for a reason but that would take too long. The sad thing is I fought for this friendship for way too long, with so much of my strength & pride. Hoping things would change, hoping that we both would. But you can only hope for too much for way too long. I felt like I was the only trying to keep this relationship together trying to not let it fall apart. It took so much out of me mentally, physically, & verbally. After this was over I felt so worn out & hopeless. It’s only been about a week or so but I still feel like this person shredded me into pieces that can never be put together.

In the end we can only hope that the both of us are happier without being in each other’s lives. That this was the right decision, I surely felt like it was & still is. There’s a lot of things that I’ve come to a conclusion too like I should’ve fought for this long & hard for a friendship previous to this one & I feel so stupid & regretful. But what’s done is done, I honestly should’ve moved on years ago, but that friendship lasted so long & it was one that memories were too permanent too be removed even now. Now it’s just a memory a great one at that. I sure hope that person is happy with their life as well.

We’ve been told that in life things happen for a reason  sometimes we find out what that reason is, sometimes we don’t. I think it’s safe to say this one ended for more my sake than anything else. I was only holding on to someone who was doing me no good. They would put me down, make me feel like my opinion didn’t matter. Everything I said to them was either a big deal or worthless. They didn’t treat me like a best friend even though they kept saying I was their’s. My feelings had to be put aside whenever I was left to dealt with them. They treated me like I was them. That’s the thing I’m not I’m not sure if they knew that, that person and I were completely different human beings with opposite morals, beliefs & personalities. I was the one who acted more like the bigger person & whenever I put that person in their place or said something they didn’t like they wouldn’t even admit to their wrong or even say anything to make that certain situation or talk better they would just blame the situation or what ever it was on someone else. That’s what got me even more mad but more than anything I pitied them. I still do. I felt bad for this person. This person is gonna get slapped so hard in the face from reality & growing up. Their not gonna know what to do at all. They never chose to be the bigger person or own up to their part & apologize or even just admit to they’re wronging.

So therefore this person is gonna have to learn without me that certain things in life won’t come easy & they’re gonna have to grow from that. They’re gonna have to own up to things that were their fault, things that weren’t easy for them to own up to in the first place. I do wish this person the best because she’s gonna need it. If this person ever reads this i just want to her know I never wanted it to end this way. We both knew it was going to in some way. We just never knew when or how. I’m sorry for finally giving up on you. All this was, was me trying to help you trying to suck it up but you hurt me in more ways than one. It was always me trying to fix the situation I would say fight but you never argued back at me. You were like a child at one point instead of taking your part of the blame. You decided to blame your acts on others. You never owned up to anything, because nothing was ever your fault. That was something I always pointed put to you, yet you never did anything about it. Didn’t you know a fight is always a 50/50 fault. Those were just the few of things of why I decided to put this friendship to rest. Your just pure poison you never grew as a person. Can you imagine how awful that was for me? You always made me feel like everything was always my fault. Every time I pointed something wrong or bad about you or our friendship it was like I was trying to kill you or something. In many ways I felt like I was in a friendship with a five year old. Not even I know five year olds who would act better & are more responsible. You need some growing up to do but who doesn’t. I hope when you meet friends who’ll actually like you I hope you are the way I wish you had acted in this friendship. It was ridiculous trying to be friends with you over & over again.

At times I didn’t know what to do. I was literally stuck in this hole. It was awful, I didn’t think I could get through it. Being put in this mind set where I had to try to be friends with you a few more times it was hard. Not because I didn’t want to but because I knew it wasn’t going to work. The fact that I knew this was going to end was making me anxious. It was like okay we’ve reached one point of this where it’s like how long do we have? do we have a week? a month? three days? With All of this happening it doesn’t mean it was any less extraordinary  or wonderful, but it’s the kinda relationship you don’t want to last forever. And that’s okay that’s why things come to an end at times. It’s human to not feel the emotions you used to feel in the beginning it happens, sometimes things fade. And sometimes the people do as well.

From the person you can never replace ,

xoxo kaffienatedkia

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