Lately I’ve had a various of unfortunate events occur to me. The thing is no matter how big or how small they are they have the worst affect on me & I don’t even know why. Like for instance I fell asleep the same time I always do last night but I woke up extremely late for school. That has hardly ever happen to me. I’m not the type of person who lets things like that affect her. Or maybe I am & it’s taken me this long to finally see it. I feel like majority of the reason why this happened to me last night is because I saw someone that I normally don’t see at a place I didn’t even know they went to. I also think that this person saw me too. It was all too fast & too much for me. The last time this person & I talked & I mean actually had a decent conversation with one another well it’s been a few months.
That’s the thing though I don’t want it to go on for this long. It hurts me a lot because this isn’t what I thought that would ever happen. I hadn’t thought about it at all I never thought it could get this bad. Now that I know that it could I try to take my emotions & see how they are & if I don’t like how I’m feeling I try to fix it. Now that’s the biggest problem,I can’t seem to take control on them. These past few months since this whole fall out occurred I feel like alice the character from Alice in Wonderland the part where she falls down the rabbit hole & it seems to never end even though that’s the only thing she wants to happen & she just keeps going down & down & until it feels like it’s been forever that’s exactly how I feel at the moment Like I have no control over myself how I can’t seem to figure anything out & I’m just falling & I can’t take control. Let me tell you one thing it’s the worst feeling in the world. It’s exhaustion. It feels like someone kicked you in the face & punched you in the stomach but ten times worse. There was a time when everything went great that I was completely fine. My mind wasn’t at a bad place at all. That I felt so powerful & confident & all that seemed to fall a part yesterday. I hate it. There was a reason why I was so happy & wanted better for myself. Now I know.
There’s something that in the back of my head, that tells me everything’s gonna be aright. There are times where you can feel so vulnerable & feel like your at you’re lowest point. Don’t worry you’re not & that’s a great thing to have at the back of your mind. Some people always tend to go back at their lowest points. I’ve started to finally realize that I’m not one of those people. I had a rough patch but I got back on my feet & pulled myself together. I’m still going through my Recovery of trying not to put myself at such a low point. I know I’m gonna have a lot of breaking points but the thing is to get back up as soon as I can. I can’t just wallow & self deprecate in my bed all day & cry, I mean who does that? Mmm I actually do but the point is that I have to find a way where I can immediately get back on my high horse.
Don’t get me wrong there are days where I can feel like all I’ve been doing is living. Then there’s those days when you have the red’s. You know, when you just can’t seem to get out of this slump or get yourself out of your bed. It can actually grow into depression. I know it’s a lot to take in from just a few bad habits. When you start knowing symptoms to it though, that’s all you can do. There isn’t any book guide, or list of rules to go by when it comes to this. But in case you don’t know how to get through this or know if you even can here are a few tips, tricks & mantras I go by.