So here it goes I guess there’s no correct way of doing this. Or how I should be. I don’t know. I didn’t think it was gonna be this hard. Years later here I am still struggling to talk about it. Still finding it hard to come up with the words and putting them in to sentences.
A few years ago I was Bulimic.
Known as an eating disorder. I still battle with it all the time. I still consider myself bulimic even with successful treatment. Because it never really goes away.
Hardly anyone knows about this. My past. I guess I didn’t know how the people the closest to me would react or if they would even look at me the same.
If those people are reading this DON’T. Don’t change your opinion or idea of me because I’m not that person anymore.
A lot of you may have different views and opinions about what I’ve struggled to say these past years but guess what I don’t give a rat’s ass.
My story is I was 14 when this happened. I didn’t think about how dangerous it could be or what the consequences of how years later it would follow me. It’s not that I was TOO SKINNY Or that I wanted to have a certain IMAGE. NO. It wasn’t like that at all. I felt like I was never good enough. Certain people at the time would put these words into my head and I would let them get to me.
I was told many times I was sooo skinny for someone my size or I eat a lot where does it all go? It made me so cautious about myself. That i started observing who I was and what I did. I ended up having this certain idea about who I was that every time I ate I made myself throw up.
I still don’t know how to describe what made me do it or why. It’s still this thing I’m trying to figure out myself. I know that too many of you it sounds stupid. But don’t try to understand it or me. Just accept it and see me in the opinion you had of me before you started reading this.
All my life could be described in one word. PRESSURE. Mainly from my family. The pressure to be the best and perfect. That i can’t screw up in anything. That i have to be successful in everything I do because that’s what was expected of me.
Well I write about it years later and my family has given me room to mess up but because I’ve screwed up countless times I’ve learned to not do my mistakes.
Bulimia is such a tentative word to me. I don’t know if I can say I’m glad I went through it or I wish it never would’ve entered my life. But SCREW IT. I want to be honest with you all. I’m glad it came into my life.
Not because I wanted to go through it or anything else for that matter. Because it showed me how strong I can be how much I could overcome. How much of a person I am and that I’m worth it.
To anyone else who is also struggling with an eating disorder. Please Please Please get the help. I know it’s not easy your scared and nervous about well everything. You don’t know the outcome how everyone you love is gonna treat you. What they’re going to say and how they’re going to react. It’s incredibly difficult to come out and actually say it out loud but trust me it will get better!
As I’m writing the last few words you can overcome it. To those of you who have someone in your life who has an eating disorder or overcame one. Don’t judge them or tell them “I’m sorry” or “I understand” because truth is You don’t. Even if your in they’re shoes you will never understand but thats not why they need you. They need you to say I love you. I’m here if you need to be heard and to feel supported. That’s all you need to give them.
For now this is all I have to say. I’m not sure if I’ll be posting more this week but for now love you all. Hope this helps you in any way shape or form.