Footprints and shadows

Siblings. What is the first word that comes to you when think of yours?

Ever since I was little I could remember looking up to my siblings admiring about almost everything. Looked up to them when it came to food, music, and movies.

As i got older I started changing of course human nature kicks in.

But so much of me changed in the blink of an eye I became the dark one of the family. You see I have two older siblings and I’m the youngest. My sister is the oldest and is known as the total sweetheart. My brother the middle child is the one that has it all together and well me I’m the odd one out.

Of course I have such a complete different life compared to them of course. But I’m the one with the biggest mouth. I don’t allow bull from my family. I don’t take crap from people. I don’t people please what-so-ever. Growing up I didn’t see that i was so different and at the age I am right now I feel like it’s a bad thing. I know it’s not but there’s a part of me that just feels like I’m not good enough or that I should be a different person by the way I live and act.

Although I know what i’m doing with my life. I know what I’m born to be doing and know where I’m going with my life there’s this little voice inside my head that tells me why can’t i be as kind or accomplished as my siblings.

I know it’s great to not want what everyone else has and it’s great that i have my own idea of success. I guess this kind of thinking will never end.

I feel like my siblings are better than me with certain parts of my life. I know that’s not true and i shouldn’t think that way but it’s human to think that way. I don’t know if it’s the whole “younger sibling” thing hut it’s like an empty feeling. I don’t know if you guys ever felt like that or experienced something like this, butthis has been on my mind all week.

Speechless

Where do I even start? How do I put the words that need to be said the most together?

One of the funniest things about life that I will never get is that the moment we’re going through something difficult or impacting a book or song hits us in the face and we instantly relate to it.

Lucky for me I’ve had 3 new albums I’ve listened too and two books that i read that feels like they were personally about me.

As the summer continues I can’t help but think too myself. What is going on with me? I can’t control any of my emotions at all. I feel like I’m losing it. I’m actually going crazy. I think to myself what’s gonna happen to all my relationships with all the people i know and love? I know I’m most likely to lose at least one. But I’m so scared to lose any of them. One espically to a person i met a few months ago and they have made me better by just coming into my life.

I think about how I’m going to change. How I’m gonna be homesick a lot. Most of all how I’m going to miss that one person I never got the chance to get close too.

I was too wrapped up in my life to see that I missed my chance to say the things that I’ll now never get to say. I often talk about how in life we have to speak up. Say what’ s on our minds because who knows if we’ll ever get another chance.

And I fucked up. I made a mistake that now there’s no way of actually fixing it. If that person is reading this. I know i messed up by never telling you how I actually felt and there will never be enough sorry’s to fix that.

But you deserve someone who’s gonna notice crap like this and they’re going to fix it before they see that it’s too late. Honestly i can’t continue to type all my thoughts and words down because it just hurts too much I’m sorry.

Yours always,

Karina

Found it in Silence

This title is from a song by the HAIM sister’s. And let me tell you this song was my epiphany. Hearing that is describing what I’ve been feeling these past few weeks it’s relieving.

The song talks about how they realized that what they finally found was by silence. NOT TALKING WAS THE SOLUTION. That this person they thought could fix them but what this person did was made them realize to walk away. 

That the best for them was to not look back and move on. This is what made me realize the same exact thing. That what I needed all this time was to walk away. To let this person go and see that they weren’t there for a reason.

I found it in this song that what I needed was to hear someone else go through the same thing and share what they know it is they have to do.

It’s crazy how a song can do that to you. How it says these words that when you listen they can put you in perspective and see what it really is that your life is trying to tell you. I have No idea if this person knows who they are but if they didn’t before they will definitely know now. 

Yours always,

                            Kaffienatedkia

It was all fearless

Hey there where do I begin?

Well to start off I’ve had a lot of time to think about me and what this month has to offer to me. Well let me tell you about that. 

In life I would say I take risks all the time. Always trying something terrifying, new, exciting, and of course something that inspires me. So I think I got a new risks to try and not just for me but for you too.

In life we stop ourselves from saying certain words that we are either scared of saying or the outcome of it. We hesitate for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. We often forget the words we stop ourselves from saying are the ones that will haunt us the longest. 

So what I want to do is say those words. To whoever it is either it’s to yourself or someone else. Write it in a letter or into a book millions might read one day. I think you deserve to look back at your life without a chorus of resounding words saying “I could’ve but it’s too late”. 

If you know how you feel and you so clearly know what you need to say you’ll know it. Don’t let fear and the outcome scare you from the million other outcomes that could happen. Don’t think about it just go and say it.

Yours always,

                          Kaffienatedkia

Coming out……

So here it goes I guess there’s no correct way of doing this. Or how I should be. I don’t know. I didn’t think it was gonna be this hard.  Years later here I am still struggling to talk about it. Still finding it hard to come up with the words and putting them in to sentences.

A few years ago I was Bulimic.

Known as an eating disorder. I still battle with it all the time. I still consider myself bulimic even with successful treatment. Because it never really goes away. 

Hardly anyone knows about this. My past. I guess I didn’t know how the people the closest to me would react or if they would even look at me the same. 

If those people are reading this DON’T. Don’t change your opinion or idea of me because I’m not that person anymore. 

A lot of you may have different views and opinions about what I’ve struggled to say these past years but guess what I don’t give a rat’s ass. 

My story is I was 14 when this happened. I didn’t think about how dangerous it could be or what the consequences of how years later it would follow me. It’s not that I was TOO SKINNY Or that I wanted to have a certain IMAGE. NO. It wasn’t like that at all. I felt like I was never good enough. Certain people at the time would put these words into my head and I would let them get to me. 

I was told many times I was sooo skinny for someone my size or I eat a lot where does it all go? It made me so cautious about myself. That i started observing who I was and what I did. I ended up having this certain idea about who I was that every time I ate I made myself throw up.

I still don’t know how to describe what made me do it or why. It’s still this thing I’m trying to figure out myself. I know that too many of you it sounds stupid. But don’t try to understand it or me. Just accept it and see me in the opinion you had of me before you started reading this. 

All my life could be described in one word. PRESSURE. Mainly from my family. The pressure to be the best and perfect. That i can’t screw up in anything. That i have to be successful in everything I do because that’s what was expected of me. 

Well I write about it years later and my family has given me room to mess up but because I’ve screwed up countless times I’ve learned to not do my mistakes.

 Bulimia is such a tentative word to me. I don’t know if I can say I’m glad I went through it or I wish it never would’ve entered my life. But SCREW IT. I want to be honest with you all. I’m glad it came into my life.

Not because I wanted to go through it or anything else for that matter. Because it showed me how strong I can be how much I could overcome. How much of a person I am and that I’m worth it. 

To anyone else who is also struggling with an eating disorder. Please Please Please get the help. I know it’s not easy your scared and nervous about well everything. You don’t know the outcome how everyone you love is gonna treat you. What they’re going to say and how they’re going to react. It’s incredibly difficult to come out and actually say it out loud but trust me it will get better!

As I’m writing the last few words you can overcome it. To those of you who have someone in your life who has an eating disorder or overcame one. Don’t judge them or tell them “I’m sorry” or “I understand” because truth is You don’t. Even if your in they’re shoes you will never understand but thats not why they need you. They need you to say I love you. I’m here if you need to be heard and to feel supported. That’s all you need to give them. 

For now this is all I have to say. I’m not sure if I’ll be posting more this week but for now love you all. Hope this helps you in any way shape or form.

Yours always,

                            Kaffienatedkia

Farewells, goodbyes, and everything in between

Where do I even begin? I went to a school in a city I never really knew about. Not knowing 3 yrs later That I would actually grow an attachment to it and the people it had to offer.

I went to a school that I didn’t really want to go to. 3 years later and I’m tearing up and feeling heartache as I say my goodbyes. Knowing deep down I’m going to keep in touch with these people because this isn’t high school. We’re old enough to realize we went through so much crap to not be good friends.  

I didn’t know anything about riverside until a year into school. I was getting tired of Strbx so I yelped coffee places around the area. That’s when I found a coffee shop that looked like I would love. I was right I did love it, loved it so much I became a regular. It became a huge part of my day. 

2 years later and so much has changed since then. I got to know the people who made it feel so welcoming, the baristas there. It’s one thing to make it pleasant to be at but having about your entire brew crew make it feel comfortable that says a lot about all of y’all. 

I was such a stranger to riverside that having a place that made me feel relaxed it was comforting. 

Thank you to the classmates that became my friends. My lab partner that became my closest guy best friend. The people I would see every morning on my way to Molinos that became great company. The baristas at Molinos for being so inviting. To the friends I already had that became my closest confidant. 

Thank you to everyone who’s encouraged, supported, and been there for me when I was either at my Highest point of my lowest. All you didn’t have to be there but yet you chose to be there.

I can’t believe my time here is done. It’s been one hell of a adventure. I’m glad all you were there to be there with me. I can’t wait to see what all you have done in the future. I wish you the best in  all your future endeavors. Till than. This anteater has so much to get done before the fall.

Yours always,

                           Kaffienatedkia

22 thing’s I’ve learned in 22 years

The 2nd of June has arrived. Last year I put up a post that told you what I learned in my 21 years of life. Here I am again with a whole new post of things I’ve learned in this past year. 

#1 I’ve learned to be more patient. It’s totally worth it. Believe me.

#2 I’ve learned That just because you didn’t have a great day doesn’t mean it has to end badly

#3 Nice girls finish first.

#4 Don’t compare yourself to someone else. You are a different person with a different life.

#5 Learn to ask for help. It’s been a struggle for me ever since I could remember but I’ve managed to do it

#6 Don’t ever be someone’s second choice. You are worth way more.

#7 I’ve learned that people come into your life for a certain reason. 

#8 Be kind no matter what the circumstance is.

#9 You are not the opinion of somebody who doesn’t know you.

#10 It’s better to regret something you did or said than regret not doing it.

#11 Be grateful for the things that make you different, don’t cover them up.

#12 Don’t over do the coffee!

#13 My biggest goal is to have happiness. To be overall happy with my life.

#14 I’ve learned that not everyone is meant to stay in your life.

#15 It’s okay to make mistakes lots of them just as long as you learn from them.

#16 When in doubt dance it out

#17. Regardless of how much you want someone in your life if it’s only you that’s wanting it do yourself a favor and let them go.

# 18 EVERYTHING happens for a reason.

#19 Treat yourself the way you want people to treat you.

#20 Don’t take the people you love for granted

#21 Mum is ALWAYS going to be right 

And #22 I still have so much to learn